Why I struggle to live in the moment

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. – Norman Vincent Peale 

As I sit down to write this, I’ve just wiped my eyes after having yet another (no doubt ‘time of the month’ induced) little emotional breakdown. To be perfectly honest putting into words the reasons behind this slip is so difficult and I’m not sure why but if you’ve ever felt the feeling of intense frustration then you might be able to picture it. I’ve always been a person that struggles with living in the moment. Some might call me slightly uptight but I prefer to see it as being focused. However, it’s a blessing and a curse to have a brain that operates at 100 miles an hour all the time and I’m forever forward thinking. If I’m not currently sat in a situation that I previously thought I would be at my age than I punish myself, the guilt starts to set in, the chocolate comes out.

This summer I graduated university. I turned 21, a year that for some reason holds so much importance in my head. To me 21 represents the year you magically transform into a fully functioning, pulled together adult that has everything aligned and no cracks in the armour. Don’t ask me where this ridiculous fabrication of a person came from but to shake that image and actually realise that life is happening as it’s supposed to right now is an incredibly hard thing for me to accept and remind myself of. Up until the age of 18, I had my life planned out. I was always working towards one goal which, in my final year of school no longer became an immediate possibility for me and shook up everything. I made quick decisions changing the course of what I had thought was going to happen and have been in somewhat of a whirlwind since. In other words, life happened and my smooth sailing vision of the future washed away. Sitting where I am right now writing this reflective piece, I do realise that the cliche saying, “everything happens for a reason” has been the mantra of my young adult life. I do understand this but accepting it is another story!

Having a creative mindset, I don’t really struggle for inspiration but this creates yet another problem for me. As well as being a forward focused person I’m also one of the laziest people you’ll meet when it comes to putting plans in action. This is my biggest downfall and explains the crying episode at the start of this ramble. I can’t describe how frustrating it is to have so many ideas floating around my head but then being too unmotivated to actually put them into action. This thing I have going on makes up most of the reason I’m always looking to the future as I try to get rid of the guilt I feel for not being proactive enough to just make things happen now and NOT tomorrow! Most of you at this point will be thinking, “Well that’s you’re own fault!” but honestly it’s something I really struggle with and get extremely frustrated about. Looking for motivation is a daily struggle and I think most of it stems from fear. I think I’m sometimes afraid to start projects because as much as I hate to admit it, I do somewhat care what people think. I know, I know, I’m a walking contradiction! I want to have accomplished so much by the age of 21, I get upset and frustrated that I’m not doing more, have all the tools to start getting to where I want to be yet when it comes to actually working on them I fall flat on my face. Why am I like this???

So, having said all that in this very moment I’m in Canada, the sun is shining and despite what it sounds like above, I’m grateful. Neglecting to appreciate the time and place I’m at now in my life is something I hate about myself and am really determined to change. I don’t want to have this pressure to be something monumental right now over my head anymore and I want to experience what life has decided to throw at me guilt free. Yes I’m a graduate but I’m a graduate that drastically needed an exciting break after the rockiest three years of my life and I need to remember that. With this post, I’m making a pact with myself to throw all I’ve got into enjoying my life instead of living for this future me that’s going to do amazing things. I’m going to truly be the present me that IS doing amazing things with a positive attitude. Nothing happens over night and I’m not expecting miraculous changes straight away but little by little I know I’ll realise that nothing’s worth having if you didn’t enjoy the road you took to get there.

Wish me luck!!